THERE is not only one person in the world who suffered stress and depression because of not being able to express freely feelings and emotions. It might be because of fear, no courage to tell, or remaining silent to save relationships. Teachers, being known for having the noblest profession and the model of intelligence and good values are not even exempted.
Edith Eger In her book, The Gift: 12 Lessons to Save Your Life, discusses “the imprisonment of avoidance” – the refusal to express challenging emotions. She maintains that avoiding feelings through suppression leads to depression – the opposite involves release through expression. We can suppress our feelings for many reasons, e.g. to avoid the pain and hurt of recollection or to protect others from seeing us as vulnerable and suffering.
Indeed, she is right. Reflecting on our own lives based on our true-to-life experiences, we have this at times. There are many instances in our lives when we prefer to keep quiet and hide our feelings through the curves of our sweetest smiles and the loudest of our laughs. There could be a reason and the most common to all is to save relationships and to avoid chaos. Sometimes, remaining silent is to keep traumas of the past to flashback and be again a nightmare.
If we are suffering from past hurts or trauma, we can try to shield loved ones from the discomfort that comes with the expression of strong feelings. In the process, we are not being honest and we are also depriving them of the opportunity to express empathy and love. We can also unconsciously train our children to avoid the expression of feelings when they are hurt or upset. They might learn to hide pains like they were never hurt. But when alone is crying in silent tears. This attitude could lead to deep sadness when left unattended. Depression is suicidal.
Sometimes we indeed suppress our feelings by trying to convince ourselves that we are happy when this is patently not true. We might even resort to affirmations to hide our true feelings. This form of subterfuge only acerbates our feelings because it denies our reality – the depth and breadth of our true feelings. The author encourages us “to feel so you can heal” because “you can’t heal what you don’t feel”. Sometimes our underlying feelings can be mired in resentment and can be unearthed through a guided reflection.
For instance, a certain woman has been raped and for that, she was forced to get married to the man. She was hoping that love can be learned in their life as a couple. It was like she had learned to but by fate, she had fallen in love with a guy other than her husband instead. She tried her best to hide her emotions by masquerading that she is happily married while fighting her heart so much that made her more broken inside. She still had carried in her heart the trauma of the past and was just very self-denial to accept the truth. Having this burden in her heart to keep hidden, the journey is never easy. It took all her courage to remain loyal and faithful to the vow of marriage through avoidance of expression. Nobody knows how sad she was, how heavy her burdens were, how she cried a lot, and how fervently she prayed to find ways at times when things seems impossible. She is a strong woman by triumphantly saves her family over her heart’s desire. Learning to Love still? Well, tomorrow is not a promise, but through faith, there could be a SMILE (See Miracle In Life Everyday) at sunrise, hopelessness is not an option.
There is a real cost to ourselves in avoidance. Despite our very best efforts, emotions are embodied – they manifest in our bodies as physical tension/pain and/or result in emotional or physical illness. By not living our truth or accepting the reality of how we are feeling, we undermine our integrity and personal integration. There may be times in conversation with a friend that we withhold a true expression of our feelings about some matter relevant to our relationship with them. It is suggested that we can revisit the conversation mentally, work out what we should have said, and then approach the relevant person at a suitable time and in a neutral place to express our real feelings. We could even start by practicing with restaurant waitresses and expressing our honest feelings about a meal (rather than hiding our true feelings because we do not want to hurt or embarrass them). But, had to do it nicely in order not to offend someone.
Strongly, we should be facing up to our feelings, and naming them provides a real release. We can practice this by stopping ourselves at any time during the day and naming our emotions, whether positive or challenging, in the present moment. This is not only a form of mindfulness practice but is also a way to increase self-awareness and develop honesty about our feelings both to ourselves and others. Sometimes this challenge to express rather than suppress feelings appears overwhelming. However, revisiting the trauma and owning the depth of our feelings provided a new level of release to enable us to be even more productive and helpful in our ongoing work, Doing so, we can finally gain release from the imprisonment of avoidance.
Being a prisoner by avoidance could be two sides of a coin. It is good and bad. Having the good side requires wisdom, courage, and strength to be mentally wise. To be one, we need to be mentally healthy to enjoy life and cope with problems. It offers a feeling of well-being and inner strength. When you learn to let go of avoidance, you set yourself free.
